Sasmita (29 yrs): Currently I am in a problem invited by myself only. During my marriage, my husband gifted me with one necklace and ear-ring set. Later on the occasion of my brother-in-law’s marriage my in-laws expected us to give money for purchasing new gold ornaments for the bride. We would have, but around that time I underwent a major surgery, for which we had to spend a lot of money. All savings gone! But the in-laws didn’t understand that and my MIL asked for the necklace and ear-ring which my husband had presented, assuring that afterwards she would be returning the ornaments to me. These ornaments of mine were gifted by her to the newly wed. But months later she asked me to buy another necklace for my brother-in-law’s wife saying that then only she could take my ornaments back from her. Till that time we had plans of actually doing it; but then my brother-in-law suffered pancreatic stone ailment. The cost of his treatment was borne by my husband and me. Again all savings were gone. .....Now we don’t have money to spend on others, as we are planning to expand our family and buy a house and vehicle. Please advise.

Oriya Nari: We seem to disagree when you say: “I am in a problem invited by myself only.” Of course there is problem; but why do you think that it’s your creation? Your have acted as per the demands of the situation and have done it in the best possible manner. The ornaments gifted by your husband to you have been made best use of in saving a situation caused by financial hardship (we presume) of your in-laws. You should feel proud that your necklace and ear-rings, instead lying idle in the ornaments-box, were utilized to prevent embarrassment to a family. On the second occasion, God gave you a circumstance to prove that you never hesitate to make financial sacrifices when it comes to saving the life of a close relation. On both the occasions you have acted positively. There’s no reason why you should feel repentant. As regards the personal needs for your own family’s prosperity, stop worrying; because things will take care of themselves. It is good to have ambitions but equally undesirable to remain excessively attached to it. It is for the almighty to create ways for fulfillment of your dreams. Because with all the sacrifices made, you highly deserve it.

(Posted on 28 June 2010)

Sneha (30 yrs): I find that there’s North Pole and South Pole of a difference between the way I was brought up and my husband was. Consequently our parenting styles are also completely different. Our kids are still young, being only 2 year and 5 year old girls. I feel they are more sensitive and need more caring/ nurturing. To take the simple example of food – I prefer to feed them still, to prepare special things for them and make them sure they eat well, come what may. On the other hand, my husband has an attitude of “if they’re hungry they’ll eat” kind. To me nutrition is very important (especially home cooked food) – that is the basis of good health. But my husband and MIL will pamper them with chocolates or else take them out to Mcdonald to get their love, so on and so forth. I don’t understand how to explain to them that when kids eat chocolates – they don’t eat normal food well and when they don’t eat well they become cranky. When they are left cranky often it becomes their habit and ultimately their growth suffers. Any ideas?  

Oriya Nari: It’s a question of heart over the head. While the pampering by your husband and MIL are prompted by the call of their heart, the rational approach adopted by you shows a reasonable application of mind. It’s a natural occurring in most of the households, but not necessarily in the same order. More often it’s the mother who succumbs to the weakness of her filial affection causing indulgent food habits of her children. In your case, since you are in favour of a rational approach to feeding with the health of your kids on the top of your mind, the contrary approach of your husband an MIL does also have its own justification. The kids must be enjoying the occasional pampering by their grandma and dad which provides them the fun and frolics of childhood that’s an equally important element of the process of growing up. What’s however important is to maintain a proper balance between these two approaches so that the over indulgence on the part of your husband and MIL in showing their affection to the kids do not lead to an erratic food habit. Normally it would be unrealistic to expect MILs to change their attitude in this regard, given their age. But you can certainly discuss the matter with your husband so as to make him see reason. But never try to completely eradicate the pampering received by the kids because it is not desirable in the interest of their ‘total’ growth.

Sasmita (28 yrs): Currently I am in a dilemma. My MIL and FIL treat me very well as I am an engineer and earning a good amount, whereas they treat my SIL (the wife of my husband’s brother) differently. She along with her husband stays with my MIL and FIL. She is not working. Her husband wanted to marry a non-working lady. His dream has been fulfilled. Although my SIL is doing all the household chores by herself, my MIL is not happy with her. In last vacation, when I went to my in-laws’ place, I gifted some money to her. Even this amount was taken away by my MIL. Now would it be proper for me to tell anything to them?

Oriya Nari: We appreciate your concern for bringing relief to the embittered life of your SIL. It’s a refreshing feeling; because such a chaste compassion for one’s close relations is a rarity these days. It however causes a little unease when you say: ”My MIL and FIL treat me very well as I am an engineer and earning a good amount.” If this remains the root cause of your being treated well then it shouldn’t be treated as good treatment at all. Rather they are treating your money very well, not you. Telling your MIL and FIL anything at this point wouldn’t solve the problem because it’s unreasonable to expect them to change their mindset at this stage of their life by listening to whatever you have to say. You and your SIL are being compared in monetary terms and this has become the basis of her ill treatment. In such a case you should for a certain period stop contributing money to the family (even to your SIL, because it ultimately ends up in the hands of your MIL). You have nothing to lose except earning a few bouts of their displeasure; but on the other hand the status of your SIL in the family may improve in comparison over a period of time as your MIL /FIL begin to realize that there’s no difference between a working and a non-working daughter-in-law. It calls for a certain degree of sacrifice from you; because withstanding the displeasure of one’s MIL / FIL isn’t an easy task. It would be great if you could do it even for a limited period.   

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Sailata (38 yrs): We got married in 2001. Within six months of marriage I understood that my husband was a very egoistic person. He would never listen to anybody. He is however a good man who takes care of everything. But when he gets angry he beats me. This type of violence occurs twice or thrice in a year. But within one week or so we manage to solve the problem some way or the other. He is doing business and I am a housewife. Last year his business was very bad, which I knew pretty well; so I used to adjust with the situation. But recently his violence has increased manifold. As I heard from his family members, he is having that violent nature since childhood. Now he is fighting for small things. Financial problem is there; but he is not telling anybody, nor is he allowing me to go for a job. I love him very much. But I don’t know if he still loves me.  I really want to save this marriage. For the past three months he is not talking with me. But he is talking with the kids. I don’t know what the solution is. Please suggest something.

Oriya Nari: A similar problem was posted here earlier by another sister. It pains us when we come across prospects of marriages breaking down due to domestic violence or misunderstanding. As a responsible website it’s always our endeavour to suggest ways to save such marriages. Our policy is to advise positive measures, rather than putting forth suggestions that could jeopardize matters further. In India we have 'the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005' which one would normally be tempted to invoke in order to bring your errant husband to book. But will it really solve the problem? A married woman’s ultimate fulfilment lies in marital bliss, not in the lack of it. So let us try to safeguard it in whatever way we can. Please take note of how many positive observations you have made in your very message: (1) He is a good man who takes care of everything. (2) Within one week or so we manage to solve the problems. (3) I love him very much. (4) I really want to save the marriage. With so many positive elements, do you think the marriage is not going to last? As you say, your husband nurtures a violent attitude since his childhood, which means that it’s an innate and, most possibly, genetic problem which he may not be able to easily get rid of. So let us try to ignore this part of his personality to the extent possible. As we understand, the negative behavior meted out to you by your husband is but an expression of the frustrations arising out of his failure in business. If this difficulty in the financial front is solved then the rigidity of his attitude would ease a bit. You could surely contribute towards this by doing a job, so as to be able to augment your family income. If he is not agreeing, let it be your first priority to convince him in this regard. Don’t think you can’t. If he has stopped talking with you; from your side don’t stop talking to him, even if it becomes unilateral. Keep the doors open. Some day he will surely enter into the room of your expectations.    

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