Counselling Page of 'Oriya Nari'

(The text of the problems posted to us are edited before being published here, for the sake of presentability.)

Vrinda (26 yrs.) : I belong to the North India and I got married to an Oriya guy who is extremely possessive for his culture and place. Both of us are employed. We had a love-cum-arranged marriage, with the full and happy consent of our families. We also love each other very much. But the problem is, since I am a non-Oriya, he always remains disappointed when he doesn’t see me as a full-fledged Oriya wife. I continuously tried to please him with making his state’s food and trying to speak in Oriya; even by changing some of my habits to adapt myself as per Oriya culture. My spoken Oriya is not fluent quality; but all this does not satisfy him. Due to all this, he always says that he made a mistake by marrying me. He never sees that I continuously tried to please him. Please advise me, what should I do? I am very much attached to him and love him a lot. He also cares for me very much, but says so hard words due to his cultural possessiveness that it sometimes becomes heart breaking for me.

Oriya Nari: The sincere efforts you have made so far for adopting Oriya culture, cuisine and life-style should normally have satisfied the cultural possessiveness of your husband. It is driven by your deep sense of attachment and love towards him. As you say, he also reciprocates by caring for you very much. Then where is the room for discontent? If you feel that he thinks he made a mistake by marrying you, then it might be your mistaken assessment. The reality may be otherwise. Possibilities are that he only poses to be disapproving; but in the inner core of his heart and mind he has a feeling of happiness and pride that he is favoured with a wife who does not hesitate even to replace her own cultural identity with a new one only for the sake of him. If he uses “hard words” to the extent of saying that he “made a mistake by marring you” do not take such words by face value. It may be his habitual way of saying things. Some spouses derive relief from stress and strain by resorting to such sadistic expressions. So there is no need to be alarmed. Time will heal his attitude; you should only remain patient till then.

(Posted on 2 October 2011)

Mamta (29 yrs): I want to share my problem with you. I have been in love with a guy ever since I was in the 12th standard. Braving many difficulties finally I was able to marry him in the year 2008. The main problem is that we belong to different castes. Though my in-laws agreed for this marriage, they didn’t support it whole heartedly. However everything seems to be OK now. But my parents and my in-laws are not on talking terms. They haven’t even met each other, till now. I think it would become possible once we have a baby. The problem is that I have a dislike for my in-laws within me. Whenever I talk about them with my husband I express my displeasure against them. It sometimes leads to quarrels with him. Please suggest what should I do?

Oriya Nari: The major need of the hour is to convert your repulsive feelings towards your in-laws into feelings of love and affection. There is no other way to arrive at peace and harmony. But how should it be done? It’s not an easy task. Love and affection can sometimes also be unilateral. But it needs lots of perseverance and self-control. As you know, your in-laws nurture a disapproving attitude towards you. But can you practice the art of ignoring what their feelings are towards you? Just ignore it and say to yourself that you don’t bother about whatever negative attitude they have towards you and that you are under oath to love them unilaterally, come what may. Practice it for a few days, then for two or three months, if you can. Begin by controlling your tongue first – by not uttering anything that might hurt their sentiments. Control yourself and don’t react when your husband mentions appreciative words about his parents before you. If you keep your emotions under control, they will certainly feel the difference, sooner or later. And reciprocation is bound to come. Because every action in life has got “an equal reaction in the opposite direction”. In the meanwhile it is also necessary to bring your parents and the in-laws close to each other. Convince your parents to visit your in-laws’ place, even if uninvited. They could do it for the sake of their daughter’s happiness. We are sure your in-laws would do nothing to displease their uninvited guests. Rather they might appreciate the visit and the process of conciliation would begin.

(Posted on 26 June 2011)

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Sulata (51 yrs): I Know this is a rather late stage for me to tell this; but I still can’t get my husband to like my maternal family. My family has a lot of faults but I cannot seem to forget my blood. I am waiting to get my happiness from my future two daughters-in-law and my grand children. I also have an ongoing problem with my weight because of a low thyroid problem. I have joined a gym but nothing seems to work out. Please tell me how I can make my husband happy; because I really love him a lot and want to make the remaining years of our life together peaceful and contented. Also my younger son seems to be going through a low phase (depression) and can’t seem to focus on life. How can we get him on the right track?

Oriya Nari: You have mentioned three different issues which appear to be unrelated with each other. But there’s a common thread of pathos encompassing all these three aspects. Firstly, why do you think that it is a rather late stage for you to tell that your husband still dislikes your maternal family? Some men do have a certain degree of reservation/ bitterness toward their wives’ family at the early stage of their marital life. But this attitude normally fades away by the time the relationship reaches your age. So it’s not late, and rather is the right time for you to raise the question why things shouldn’t get normalized now. Do you think a formal apology from your family’s side for any past occurrence, known or unknown, would heal your husband’s bruised ego, if there’s any? Is so, arrange for such a show, howsoever artificial or unjustified it may seem to be. It is important that your husband should now start treating your parents not as your parents but as his parents-in-law. It would in turn contribute in a significant manner to his reformed attitude towards you. Regarding your second query, if you have been gaining weight due to health reasons and have failed to check it thus far, there is little you could do about it anymore. So it is better to ignore it. Do you visualize your need for weight loss as a means of making your husband happy? If so, it has no basis in our opinion. When the spouses are on the ‘right’ side of 50 there ought to be more rational factors for conjugal bliss. As regards the depression that your son is suffering from, we would certainly like to offer our views. But your message doesn’t contain enough inputs for us to understand his exact condition. You may send us an email with more details, so as to enable us to form an appropriate view.

(Posted on 24 April 2011)

(P.S - We have on 16 June 2011 sent a reply to the mail received by us from Sulata regarding her son's state of depression.)

Monali (25 yrs): One of our neighbors always speaks in a very loud voice in her house. It appears as if she is always shouting at or quarreling with somebody. We and my other neighbors get disturbed due to this. We discuss among ourselves how to check this; but don’t find a solution. We are always compelled to keep our doors closed to prevent the noise from entering our house. Could you please suggest something?

Oriya Nari: In all possibility, what sounds as quarrelsome noise to you may be appearing quite normal to the lady who is delivering such noises. She is not aware that the pitch and level of her voice is travelling beyond the boundaries of her home and causing disturbance to others. You and other neighbors are justified in complaining about the inconvenience caused. As per norms, the noise level should not exceed 50 dBA in one’s living room during the day-time and 30 dBA in one’s bed room at night. When it exceeds this limit one suffers from symptoms such as sleep disturbance, annoyance and speech interference, says a scientific study. Now it is your immediate task to let your neighbor know that her habit of speaking in a louder voice affects others. Have you so far tried telling her so? If you feel uneasy, take one or two of your other neighbors with you; and you all should jointly call at her place one day to tell about your sufferings. While telling her so you should avoid being hurtful and tell her rather in a suggestive manner how your husband often wakes up from his sleep hearing the disturbing noises arising from her house, or how your kid fails to study upon hearing those loud voices. We hope this would raise her conscience and she would try to change her habits in this regard. But do not expect her decibel levels to come down immediately; because in such cases it is very difficult to change one’s own inherent habits overnight, even if one wants to.

(Posted on 20 february 2011)

Ranjita (31 yrs): I am becoming very fat; so planning to join a gym. But my office timing is from 8.15 am to 6.15 pm. Everyday I start from my house at 7.20 am and come back home at 7.45 pm. In the morning I have also to prepare lunch box for me and my husband. In the night, I have to prepare dinner after cleaning the utensils. I got one gym; it is open from 5.30 am to 8.30 pm. I am planning to join the gym in the morning. I think if I prepare lunch box in the previous night, it won’t be rotten. But I hesitate to say this to my husband. Because I am afraid if it will be OK with him if food is prepared in the previous night. He is very shot tempered. No one can guess when he would get angry. Please advise me; should I say this to my husband or not. Also I am planning to hire one maid for household chores like cleaning of utensils, floor cleaning and, if possible, also for making rotis.

Oriya Nari: Your basic problem seems not to be whether you should join a gym; but that you do not have the necessary confidence to mention even a simple domestic plan to your husband. Why are you so alarmed? That your husband would get angry when you mention this to him is a very hypothetical prospect. There's an equal chance that it may not happen at all. Even in case it happens, there's nothing to be panicky about it. It all would be over in minutes. Just silently listen to what he has to say, without showing any reactions. Please remember that if someone gets angry, then instead of getting annoyed or alarmed we should rather sympathize with him/her. Because the person resorting to anger does so because he/she is not in a position to cope with the burden of emotional complexities of life. His/her helplessness is much greater. So such people deserve our sympathies and understanding rather than scare. In case your husband doesn’t approve your idea of joining a gym, just drop it. Because joining a gym may be a good proposition; but not at the cost of disrupting peace and order at home. It appears that your daily routine at home and office is already stressed. Adding another mandatory session in gym to it may put further physical and mental pressure on you. Alternatively you could think of approaching the other routes for physical fitness such as, (1) Dieting and (2) Burning more calories for weight loss by stepping up physical activities both at home and the office in the normal course. It would certainly make a difference, provided there are no genetic factors behind your weight gain.

(Posted on 24 january 2011)

Mama (29 yrs): I loved a guy and waited 8 years to convince my parents. Finally I got married to him, the traditional way, with the help of my MIL, my brother and other relatives. My parents were against it; so they did not participate in the marriage. My MIL arranged the marriage completely and spoke (by phone) to my mother before the marriage. My mother just cried and did not respond well. After that they have never talked with each other. My FIL expired 4 years back. We are in the US my MIL is staying with my husband’s brother in Orissa. My mother is also staying at another city in Orissa. Now my parents are good with me; but they are not communicating with my MIL. My MIL loves me. But she expects that my parents should come, talk and initiate the relationship; whereas my parents still feel, why to talk first as my MIL needed me and welcomed me without their permission. I understand the ego problem and their feelings, but want to bring about a healthy relationship between them. I asked my parents to come to my in-law’s place, but they ignored. I am unable to force them; neither can I dare to request my MIL to approach them first. Please advise.

Oriya Nari: The series of events, as narrated by you, is apparently headed toward a happy ending. Now the solution is hindered by only a thin layer of ego, which is bound to get dissolved sooner or later. In the traditional Oriya set up, in similar situations, it is the bride’s side which initiates the process of conciliation setting aside ego factors. But in your case it is not happening. Plainly speaking, the situation has now come down to:“Who first?” A feasible solution could be to choose a neutral place somewhere in Orissa where you have a friend or relative who is willing to coordinate. A pre-planned ‘chance meeting’ of your parents and MIL could be arranged there. Your common friend should invite both the sides to the place without informing either of them that the other side is also invited. If possible, a prolonged stay of both of them (say for one or two days) could also be thought of. Let the common friend act as a facilitator for a “Forget and forgive” kind of conciliation. We are sure; the ice will be broken, bringing about the kind of peace and relief that you are acutely in need of.

(Posted on 26 December 2010)

Nandita (35 yrs): Whenever my MIL visits our home, she showers all her attention on her son – really spoiling him and to make matters worse – really ignoring me completely. She tends to care for her grand children too, which I appreciate. The remaining time is for her daughters for whom she would remain in a state of endless worry; call-up and check their wellbeing and then her own relatives. I feel slighted with all this. Any advice to deal with this supreme possessiveness?

Oriya Nari: Your problem can be addressed either way: (1) Your MIL should extend same level of attachment towards you; or (2) She should stop extending her love and affection to others. It seems either of these would keep you happy. The first option is entirely left to the choice and attitude of your MIL, about which you can do pretty little. The desire itself of the second choice is unethical. So what should you do? Take things as they are, and act in a positive manner. At this stage the better choice for you is to eliminate your desire to remain in the good books of your MIL. Just ignore the attitude that she shows towards you and try to feel (even artifially)that it doesn’t matter and you do not bother about it at all. If you look at it in a positive manner, by showering her love and affection on her son, she is in reality supporting a part of ‘you’ only – that is your ‘other half’. So stop worrying, and be happy.

(Posted on 4 December 2010)

Kavita (35 yrs): We are married since 12 years and have a son. Our small family runs smoothly without much of a problem. My husband is however very idealistic, especially when it comes to bringing up our only child. He wants our son to be perfect in everything: in studies, in games, in arts and also when it comes to good health. But the burden of maintaining this super standard of the kid's upbringing always rests on me. He never shares any responsibility towards this. If anything goes wrong he blames me calling it my negligence. If the child catches cold it’s me who hasn’t taken enough care to prevent it; if he has not scored well in school exam it’s me who hasn’t guided him properly, so on and so forth. Such attitude often causes irritation in me. We have also sometimes fought over the matter. Could you please suggest a solution?

Oriya Nari: It would have helped if you had also mentioned whether you are a full time housewife or a working woman. Because responsibilities and expectations ought to differ in either case. Presuming that you are a homemaker with sufficient time at your disposal to take care of the family, cooking and shopping etc. you certainly share a part of the responsibility for taking care of your child in the best possible manner. We said “best possible” and not “absolutely best” manner; because it never happens and your husband should know it. If he doesn’t understand, he is suffering from irrationality. It is unlikely that this attitude of his is going to be cured instantly. Only Time would heal it; and in the long run he would understand how much you are doing for your son’s upbringing. But our advice is never to remain attached to a word of praise from him. As the Gita says: Remain dedicated to your duty without ever being attached to the results; things will take care of themselves. No doubt it’s unfair on the part of your husband to shift the whole blame on you without ever giving a thought to whether he himself is properly discharging his responsibilities toward the child. But let it not be your concern. The need of the hour is to get rid of the irritations and fights over that matter. Your conscience knows that what you are doing in this regard is right. That’s all. No need of seeking recognitions now. Just smile away when your husband levels any blame on you for the so called ‘negligence’ of the child. Be assured you will have the last laugh, some day.

(Posted on 6 November 2010)

Preeti (26 yrs): There is an Oriya Brahmin boy whom I love. Before proposing to him, I asked him whose decision would it be, regarding his marriage? He replied that it would be his own decision but would need the consent of his spiritual guru before proceeding. Then I proposed to this man and had to wait for another month for his reply. One day he called me on the phone and said that he thought we should not get married. The same evening, he called me again and said he believed that our mutual feelings for each-other were indeed God’s will and that he should marry me. But now he said he wanted his parents’ consent. His parents had already decided his marriage with an Oriya non-Brahmin girl. When they were informed about his decision to marry me, they disapproved saying that I was not an Oriya, although I belong to the same religion and caste. I agreed to learn Oriya and also started learning about the culture, cuisine and everything about Orissa. Now the boy says that he cannot marry without his parent’s consent. He is however willing for a live-in relationship and says that if he ever marries, it will be with me, else he will not marry. I am not able to trust his words now after all the emotional game he has played with me, neither am I able to move on. Please advise.

Oriya Nari: We agree with you when you say that the man is playing an emotional game with you. We have earlier received counselling requests for such similar cases of emotional victimization, and our consistent question has been: Why clear commitments are not obtained from the men in such cases on the day one of the relationship itself? But here it seems that you have been careful enough to obtain such a commitment before proposing to him. If he said that he needed to consult his spiritual guru and none else, then why did he dither afterwards by bringing his parents into his scheme of decision making? His fickleness is exposed; at least you are lucky that it has happened at the initial phase before you proceeded much longer in the relationship. Had it been later, you might have been at a point of no-return. The boy’s stand vis-a-vis his parents is also unconvincing. One understands the dilemma of the traditionally conservative households in such situations. But what about this family which is ready to accept an Oriya bride even from a different caste, but cannot settle for a bride of the same caste who although not a born Oriya, is committed no less to take a rebirth in Oriya-hood (as signified by your craving to learn the Oriya language, culture and everything about Orissa)? It’s baffling. A live-in relationship with uncertainty looming large is no solution. Insist on an immediate marriage and if the response is in the negative, part ways.

(Posted on 22 August 2010)

Pari (23 yrs): My mother-tongue is Telugu, but since I live in Maharashtra I am not well versed in Telugu language. But I can fluently speak Hindi, Marathi and English. I am a student of B.Tech. Now I wish to learn Oriya because I am getting married next year and my would-be husband is from Orissa. My mother-in-law doesn't speak Hindi and knows Oriya only. So I want to learn this language so that I can communicate with her. Earlier I tried to learn it through a friend. But couldn’t be successful. Please help.

Oriya Nari: We are glad to know that you are so intently inclined to learn Oriya language. Thus far the language is being spelt as ‘Oriya’; but very soon, after passage of a bill pending in the Parliament, its nomenclature will change to ‘Odia’. In our view the more you try to consciously learn a new language the further it moves away from you. Grammar and “How to?” books wouldn’t be of much help. So try to learn it the natural way. Engage yourself in Oriya conversations either in person or on phone whenever there is any such opportunity. It may be your friends, your would-be husband and his relatives or just anybody who knows Oriya, who could be of help by obliging to talk to you in Oriya. Never mind if you initially commit mistakes while responding to them in Oriya. What matters is the confidence that you are able to communicate your thoughts in the language, even partially. You could also see DVDs of some popular Oriya films and try to guess and understand what the dialogues mean. We are not sure if you can tune in to the Oriya services of the All India Radio at your place. But if you can it would be a great way to get accustomed with the language the effective way. In the learning process of a language the audio media scores over the audio-visual one because it doesn’t divert one’s attention to visual engagement. As regards self help books, we would suggest ‘Learn Oriya in a Month’ by Rajan Panda which may also be ordered thru internet. Happy learning!

(Posted on 8 August 2010)